I Hate Being Yours
by evhein
Summary: Renji, full of hatred for the details of his life, decides to end it all. Is the end near?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:**

**Tite Kubo** owns every bit of Bleach. I'm only a devoted fan! The only thing I own are my plot bunnies!

**A/N:**

Alright, everybody, please keep an open mind. This is my second fanfiction posted here. Please review as soon as you are able with whatever comments you have for me. Flames are welcome; they keep me and my blankey nice 'n toasty at night!

**Warning:**

The following contains: homosexual intercourse, swearing, angst, and a lonely plot bunny. I'm not sure _where_ this story is going, but it's going.

**My Thanks To:**

My amazing beta, **7PhoenixAshes**. She's helped me so much in this.

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"I wish that without me your heart would break  
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake  
I wish that without me you couldn't eat  
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep"

Kate Nash, "The Nicest Thing"

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It was dark, but not enough to hide the blue outline of the sky between the thin trees. It was raining, but not enough to block out the sound of the wind beating the branch against the window. It was late, but not enough to take away the restlessness in his body. He was upset.

Nothing he did ever went right. His childhood friends were dead. His childhood crush had been adopted into a family of stiffs. His rival was sophisticatedly oblivious to every single word that left his mouth. His bankai wasn't strong enough to make captain. Even though _three_ had defected.

Renji muttered a curse through quivering lips. He was just so sick of it all. Nothing was ever... _right_. He couldn't find any happiness in what was left in his miserable existence. There was no justice in the world.

He cursed more loudly, sharply biting his lip afterward. He never succeeded in his tasks. He never looked smart when the time was needed. He never grew any stronger. He hated to think this was as far as he would progress.

A strangled shout left his lips, a mix between a curse and a cry. He would never be good enough for anyone, and he was tired of giving people his sympathy, his love, his attention. He scoffed. _Who cares? Let 'em burn!_

Without another thought, the box cutter darted across his wrist like the dance of his zanpakutou. He was just so sick of it all.

_**'What are you doing, Renji?'**_ Demanded Zabimaru. Renji only shook his head in response. It was the last thing he wanted to talk to at a time like this. _**'If you die, we perish as well.'**_

Renji bit his lip and watched in rapt fascination as the blood swelled to the surface of his creamy white skin. "Be quiet." He ordered, substance missing from his voice, and returned his new weapon's razor to his skin.

_Just a bit of pressure. Just a bit, and it'll be all over._

He shut his eyes tight as he felt it pierce his skin, then cursed at the wetness that followed it's path.

_**Down**__ the road, not __**across**__ the street. _

Of course, how could he forget? He realigned the blade to run vertically down the length of his forearm. He licked his lips in fear. This was it. There would be nothing after this. He would either be reborn into the world of the living, or sent to hell for suicide.

_What does it matter? It's not like I'm happy __**here**__._

He swallowed the saliva gathering in his mouth and pressed the tip of the razor to his inner elbow.

_I'll make it long. There's no room for a mistake here._

_**'Renji, you have to stop. This is our body as well.'**_ Zabimaru protested, its wails increasing in tenor as Renji dragged the blade an inch down his skin before stopping, panting heavily in fear.

"Shut up, you fools!" He shouted, grabbing his sword from beside him and pitching it towards the wall, where it unceremoniously hit the floor. He looked back to his arm, where blood was streaming freely onto his pants and bed. He felt tears well up in his eyes and blinked them away, wiping them away on the one sleeve that wasn't rolled to his shoulder. He set his lip in determination. "This will happen _tonight_."

He felt a knot growing harder in his chest and recognized it as panic. He tried to ignore it down but began trembling, quivering at the tears falling freely down his flushing cheeks.

"I want this..." He drawled, trying to stop his hand from shaking. He could see the vein in the moonlight. He would be exact when he hit his mark. No more mistakes; no more screw ups. He swallowed down the newly formed saliva and wiped away the sweat beading on his forehead with his sleeve. "I want this! Dammit, let me have this!"

His shouts echoed back to him. He was truly alone. There would be no one to save him, to sweep him off his feet. No one would save this princess, this prince; no one would be his knight in shining armor. The truth grew more clear to him as he pressed the box cutter to his skin again, ignoring Zabimaru's shrieks of impending doom.

_**'We will alert them! We will alert the Seireitei!'**_ It screamed to him before releasing it's full reiatsu. Renji shook his head in dismay, the pressure seeping into the room beginning to effect him. He would have to end this quickly. No more thoughts, no more hesitation. No more. The time was now.

He bit his lip, whimpering, as he pressed the blade firmly into his arm. He trailed it down his skin, whining loudly as it pressed against all the tender parts of his muscles. He was met with a stinging sensation, which turned to burning and throbbing. The wound was long and thin, but struck exactly the place he wanted. A sickening feeling settled over him as he realized too late that there was no going back now. He was going to die. He began shaking as he tried to stop the blood.

Did he want this or not? He shouted to himself to pull it together. There was no time for mistakes. He began to panic as he begged for someone to come. For someone to help him. Dammit, did he want this or not?!

He felt the tears rise anew in his ocher eyes. His tattooed brow knitted together as he bit his lip to the point of bruising. "Zabimaru, I-I don't k-know what... what to... to do..." He hiccuped, sobs racking his body. "You g-gotta help me... T-tell me what t-to do..."

_**'Foolish child,'**_Zabimaru cursed. _**'Help may not arrive in time. You chose to come to the living world.'**_

He shook his head violently, crying feverishly as he put more and more pressure on his wound. He lifted it in the air, trying to elevate it, and grabbed a t-shirt from the floor to use as a pressure dressing. He tied it tightly around his forearm, begging anything that would listen to make it stop the bleeding.

He was becoming lightheaded and cried out as the dizziness made the room swim. He couldn't breathe; something was choking him. He told himself it was his imagination, but it did nothing to alleviate the pressure around his windpipe.

He was really going to die.

A series of 'no's left his mouth as he tried to stand, to make it to the door. But his legs buckled from beneath him, and the world grew fuzzy and dim. He couldn't see straight. His eyes settled on Zabimaru, and he crawled to reach his beloved blade.

"Please," he whimpered, trying to draw it from its sheath. "Please!"

He couldn't remove it with one hand, and he put the hilt in between his feet and tried pulling, but he succeeded only in injuring his shoulder. He cried out as he jerked furiously on the scabbard.

"Don't leave me like this, dammit! Come out and help me!"

_**'You have killed us all! You foolish child, you have murdered us all!' **_Zabimaru wailed, refusing to open for Renji. Renji sobbed loudly, fighting his blade with all his might. He cursed his stupidity.

_This is all their fault! They made me do this thing! They made me do this thing!_

He could no longer feel his body. His limbs and his head, they had ceased to exist. Renji hit the floor behind him with an audible thump and cursed again.

"Please, Zabimaru... I don't wanna die... Not here..." He whimpered, not even able to hear his own voice. His vision blurred and he cursed again.

_Please... not here..._

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Warmth.

A dull heat bathing the length of his toned chest, arms and legs. A slight wind blew in from the south, pulling over him like a blanket. He woke to meet the inerrant rays of the sun. His kimono and obi had been removed, and he was left in his hakama. While lifting an arm to shield his eyes, he saw his bandages. Memories flooded back to him.

"Oh, God..." He whispered huskily, his voice barely audible. "What have I _done_...?"

He shifted on his side to help give him leverage for sitting up. Once the arduous task had been performed, he could get a good look at where he was. Tall trees on the horizon; behind him, _far_ behind him, a trail of mountains. He was on a hill at the moment; not one very large, just a bump on the earth. It was so...

"Gorgeous..." he muttered.

"I am pleased you think so."

He startled and crawled away from the direction of the voice, turning to the only unexplored area within eye's reach. He gaped as he took in the sight of the elder man.

"T-taichou...!" He gasped, not knowing what else to do but acknowledge his captain. His eyes drifted down to what was attached to his captain's obi; Zabimaru. He listened closely for his zanpakutou's voice, but heard nothing. He was being ignored.

_Guess I deserve it._

"Fukutaichou, just what was it you were expecting to gain from committing such an act?"

Renji's eyes narrowed. There was no way in hell he was answering that question. He fell back on the grass, hands clasping together behind his neck and gazing at the areas of the sky that didn't put his eyes in direct contact with the sun.

He expected to feel different somehow, maybe weaker. More lifeless. Less erratic. But here he was, starting an argument with the man he hated just as easily as he had opened his eyes. The sadness hadn't left him.

A warm wind swept through the grass, blowing against their bodies and whipping through their hair.

"What would you have me do, fukutaichou? Leave you to die as you cried so feverishly for help?"

"I di'n't cry," Renji protested, cheeks burning. He wouldn't be outdone by this man, not again. He would _not_ be humiliated. Byakuya shook his head, the action going unnoticed by his subordinate. Looking away, back to the forest, Renji sighed. "Where are we?"

"The realm of the living." He answered. The wind died down, and they were left in relative quiet again. The type of peace acquired only when confronted by your angry superior. "They're searching for us."

"Who? The Seireitei?"

Silence was answer enough. Renji sighed at the thought of being subjected to that miserable life again.

"I'm not goin' back."

Byakuya looked down at his fukutaichou with vague curiosity, an immaculate eyebrow lifting on a whim. "Oh?"

"Yeah. An' I ain't your fukutaichou any more. I resign."

"You..." he began, humor tinging his voice. "resign?"

"Yeah." Renji replied, finally becoming sure of what he'd said. "Yeah, I do."

The clouds were amazing; nothing like in the Seireitei. They were like ripped cotton, being spread and torn across the sky in thick lines. He wished he could watch them forever, without any distractions. No more Hollows, no more fukutaichou duties. No more taichou. He chuckled at that last one. He threaded his fingers in the thick green grass around him. When he pulled, only a few pieces broke off and he held them to his face for examination. So healthy; so... alive.

"Why?"

Such a simple word, but it seared the silence as cleanly as hot iron. He couldn't answer at first. What was he supposed to say? Because he hated being confined to a useless existence? Because he wanted to break away from the grip his 'companions' had on him? The blades of grass fell limply from his hand as he replaced it behind his head again.

"For release." He said darkly. He shouldn't have to explain himself to one of the main reasons of the attempt.

He heard the ruffling of robes as his captain came to sit beside him. They sat like that for a while; Byakuya gazing calmly at him, his expression unreadable. Renji merely kept his eyes pointed to the sky, doing all he could not to look at the man.

"There are many methods of gaining release, Renji-kun."

Renji was visibly stunned as he looked at his taichou. He'd never referred to Renji as anything other than his rank and last name. To hear it now, from the lips of this stoic man, felt... oddly pleasing. He felt his cheeks light on fire.

Renji observed the man observing him.

"Many men choose more conventional methods. Rarely is suicide chosen over the more... _pleasurable_ others." Byakuya continued.

Renji felt, more than heard, the implications in his captain's words.

_'He shouldn't have done it. He could've turned to anything: sex, drugs, violence...'_

Yeah, he got that already. Renji huffed and looked away.

"What do _you_ know?" He spat, brow furrowing.

"Plenty." He stated. "I have watched you change drastically over the years. I never expected to tame you, but I did not foresee..."

A beat. Renji looked towards his feet.

"Why?" He asked again. "What would happen to our division were you to die, fukutaichou?"

Ah, back to that again. Of course the moment wouldn't last. Renji sighed at the lack of his name on his captain's lips and looked him in the eyes.

"For release." Renji replied again. He would say it as many times as Byakuya needed.

"Why would you go to such great lengths for release when you had it right here?" Byakuya finally asked. Renji's eyes widened. Had he heard him right? Surely he hadn't. And if he had, surely he had meant something other than...

"Whu' do you mean?" He drawled, fingers clenching of their own accord behind his head. Byakuya watched him carefully, plotting out his next move. Renji could see the hesitance in his eyes. "Oi, if you got something to say, then say it. We shouldn't be having all this shit between us. I'm so sick of dealing with your secretive bull."

Byakuya looked mildly surprised with the manner his fukutaichou was speaking to him. He raised an eyebrow again at the rudeness before parting his lips to speak. Renji twitched at the action, ears attentive. Byakuya glared harshly at the expectant look on his subordinate's face.

"You're saying you are no longer my fukutaichou?"

Renji sighed at the direction the conversation was heading. He looked back at the sky. "Che. What of it?"

"Then am I correct in assuming you no longer accept the laws Seireitei holds over you? That you are... free from them?" He continued, surprising the boy all the more.

Renji glanced fitfully back at his captain. "Wha...? I guess so, why?"

"That you are no longer my fukutaichou." Byakuya concluded yet again. Renji stiffened and nodded.

"I jus' answered that." He spat.

They sat in an extremely uneasy silence.

Renji sighed loudly, eyes shutting in irritation.

"I'm so sick of all this shit you put in between us." Renji said, voice low and contemplative. His eyes opened to see how close...

Renji was shocked when he felt a pair of lips descend over his.

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**A/N:**

R/R, please.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:**

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I hope you enjoy, and please listen to the below song while reading the entire story. It helps.

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"All I know is that you're so nice  
You're the nicest thing I've seen  
I wish that we could give it a go  
See if we could be something"

Kate Nash, "The Nicest Thing"

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Hot lips pushed experimentally against his own. Cautious midnight blue eyes remained open, observing him. Wide, ocher eyes glared back, in too much shock to do anything. His hands remained behind his head. His breath remained inside his body. His legs shivered with the force of with he was tensing.

He'd never been kissed like this. Not by another _man_. Renji wasn't sure whether to push him away or pull him closer.

Byakuya took Renji's passiveness as submission to his advances and slid his tongue against the redhead's trembling lower lip. Renji gasped in a breath and made a noise against his leader, a form of protest, but the black-haired taichou kept going, dying for a deeper taste of those soft, wet lips. He pushed his tongue inside his mouth only after thoroughly teasing him. Renji whimpered into his taichou's impellent kiss, feeling much like a fussy child held unwillingly in their parent's arms. It wasn't like he could push the man away; he was his _taichou_.

Or was he?

_"Yeah. An' I ain't your fukutaichou any more. I resign."_

_"You..." he began, humor tinging his voice. "resign?"_

Byakuya had even been intelligent enough to remind him of that before raping Renji's lips.

_"You're saying you are no longer my fukutaichou?"_

_Renji sighed at the direction the conversation was heading. He looked back at the sky. "Che. What of it?"_

_"Then am I correct in assuming you no longer accept the laws Seireitei holds over you? That you are... free from them?" He continued, surprising the boy all the more._

_Renji glanced fitfully back at his captain. "Wha...? I guess so, why?"_

_"That you are no longer my fukutaichou." Byakuya concluded yet again. Renji stiffened and nodded._

_"I just answered that."_

Yes, he supposed he really wasn't subject to obeying the rules anymore. He could do as he wished.

Including thrill his ex-taichou.

_Whoa! Where the hell did that come from?_ Renji shook his head and pushed against Byakuya's shoulders stiffly, grimacing.

Byakuya, in response, pushed against him harder to reach Renji's lips once more, and nipped at them, before allowing himself be thrown to Renji's side. The redhead glared at him, panting rasps releasing from his swollen lips. He reached up tentatively to feel one, and winced.

"You _bit_ me," Renji exclaimed, fire returning to his eyes. Byakuya chuckled.

"Hardly. Would you like for me to demonstrate what I did to you? Lend me your hand."

After one tense moment, Renji lifted his arm with uncertainty. He supposed it was from so many years of following the man's every whim that he complied.

When he felt Byakuya's lips descend on his flesh he started. Byakuya first kissed his hand, then opened his mouth to lightly graze his straight, perfect teeth against the tanned skin.

He turned the hand over to lick at the delicate flesh of Renji's wrist. Renji gasped at the contact and shuddered. What was he doing? He should be pushing him off, barking at him to leave him alone.

He doubted either of their body's readiness to withstand what this would lead to.

Renji lifted his free hand to push against Byakuya's head, but watched instead as his fingers threaded through the silky locks of its own accord as Byakuya grazed his teeth farther up, to lick his inner elbow. His lips parted again in suspense as he eyed his taichou. Byakuya sucked the skin of the inside of his elbow into his mouth and pressed his tongue firmly against it, pinning it between his blunt teeth. Renji gasped as Byakuya kneaded the skin in his mouth using both his teeth and tongue. With rhythmic thrusts against his skin by way of a warm, pink tongue, Renji succumbed to the tingling spreading through his body. His fervent skin flushed as he watched, in rapture, as Byakuya dug his teeth into his body with just the right intensity, raising a low groan from his lungs.

His toes curled and his fingers pulled a bit on Byakuya's head. He hissed when Byakuya went harder, immediately tensing to rip his arm away, but Byakuya pinned him with the rest of his body.

Legs came to rest on either side of Renji's thighs and a sinewy, familiar arm pushed firmly against his chest. Byakuya's eyes had been closed, but they were suddenly open and pressing the full force of their dark gaze to Renji, daring him to fight again. Renji shivered at the domination, but quickly succumbed as that warm mouth covered his once again. His ears picked up the sound of a high-pitched whine, and he suddenly recognized it as his own. He flushed and looked up at the man to see the pride in his eyes at the noise.

The next thing he felt (besides the tingling in his groin) was a wet tongue pressing gently at his lips, then suddenly the mouth was sucking on Renji's lower lip, nipping and tugging. Renji's head swam. Before he knew it, his (ex?) taichou had his hands rubbing gently up and down his sides. Renji moaned softly against that hot, teasing mouth, and stopped himself from whining again when Byakuya pulled back to lick his lips and observe his handiwork. Renji scowled at the tiny, smug smirk that plastered itself on the face of the increasingly enchanting man above him.

God, he could hear his heart in his ears, pounding so loudly. He ran his tongue suggestively along his lips as a plea for more, but the nobleman instead leaned to press his lips to Renji's neck. He slowly lifted his arms to wind around the elegant body above him.

"M-more," he gasped as he felt blunt teeth scrape against his hot flesh. Within an eye blink, the noble had leaned back and was sitting a good two feet away from him, expression nothing but content. Renji strained to quiet his panting; urged his heart to slow down. "W-what the hell?!"

Byakuya cocked his head. "What is it?"

"That's it? That's _all_ you're gonna give me?!" Renji shouted, his heart beating like a drum in his ears. He watched the corners of the man's mouth tug ever so slightly.

"What did you expect to happen, Renji?"

Renji shuttered. His name again. Dear Lord, how _wonderful_ it felt to hear his name on his lips. And from Byakuya's expression, Byakuya also knew just how wonderful it truly was for him. Was he playing with him?

"I-I mean... No, I just kinda thought..."

"Where did you think a situation like this would lead us, Renji? With my hand down your pants?"

Renji's jaw slackened, and he slumped to look properly chided. "W-well, yeah! That's kinda where I thought it was headed..."

"Che. _Really_, Renji. _Please_." He scoffed, only as a nobleman could. Every sound graceful. How was it possible? "I have not even courted you yet."

Renji's brow furrowed.

"Oi, thassa great thought 'n all, but that ain't exac'ly how we do it in Rukon. I've never been... 'courted'." That word, foreign to his tongue. Burned with the taste of a vocabulary someone as lowly as him should never use. "'N I ain't never been gay with anyone before, either."

"I am not _gay_, Renji." Byakuya began, precariously lifting his perfectly shaped brow. "Do you know of the term 'bi-sexual'?"

Renji huffed and turned away. "Che. Yeah? Izzat what we are, then?"

"I speak only for myself." Byakuya answered softly, sliding closer to the redhead. "Perhaps I should properly request your hand in courtship, then?"

Renji hesitated. He didn't like the thought of all this. He still hated so much about his life, so what could he _possibly_ have that Byakuya would want? He grew nauseous at the thought. Was it a drive for sex?

He shook his head, eyes a thousand miles away. If that was it, then Byakuya would have taken him when Renji had asked for more. No, Byakuya had to have a different motivation.

**'To save your life.' **

Renji gasped, ignoring the jerk in the man beside him at the action. He stared at Byakuya's waist, at his zanpakutou. His Zabimaru.

_You forgive me, then? Zabimaru?_ Renji pleaded in his mind, desperately, resting his fingers gently on his blade's scabbard.

Yet he was met only with bitter silence. Renji's eyes fell, expression darkening in sadness. He'd lost the respect of his blade. His weapon; his _partners_.

"I'm so sorry..." he whispered, so quietly Byakuya would have sworn it hadn't happened if his eyes had not been glued to Renji's face, the movement of his lips drawing him in. Renji's fingers rubbed lightly on his sheath.

"Would you like your zanpakutou returned to you?" Came Byakuya's smooth voice, calling Renji's eyes to his.

Renji hesitated, biting his lip to concentrate once more on his blade's voice. Nothing.

"I don't deserve them," his face fell again, and Renji withdrew his fingers. "Besides, I lost my right as a shinigami when I..."

"Mm. Yes, you did." They were both thoughtful for a series of seconds. Byakuya looked at him again before continuing. "But, you are no longer a shinigami, are you?"

Renji pulled his knees to his chest. "What the hell 'm I supposed to do, taichou?" His voice broke. "S'not like I can just parade back into my old life. I hate it there. I _hate_ the Seireitei."

Byakuya nodded considerately. "What do you _want_ to do?"

Again, Renji shook his head. The wind was pleasant even still, and he welcomed it against his tired body. The flush had almost left his body, leaving a healthy glow to his skin. His hair, disheveled, hung limply against his back once the wind died down, the tie long lost. And his eyes, hardened with the events of the past few years, skewered the grass around them. Before he knew it, Renji was being pulled into Byakuya's arms.

"You have time. You do not have to decide anything tonight." Byakuya whispered into Renji's fiery hair. He hesitated before continuing. "And I am willing to sit back for a few more days until you straighten things out. I will not leave you here alone. I will not let them find you... yet. But know that I still have a duty to the Seireitei, Renji. And you still have a duty to them as well. You cannot just defect-"

That word. That fucking word.

Just like Aizen. Just like Ichimaru. Just like Tousen. What the hell had he done?

The rest of the words leaving Byakuya's mouth were just that: words. Blurred, distant humming to his ears. His mouth fell slack, his eyes widened, and above all his breathing stopped.

He was just like them.

"Renji?"

Just like those damned betrayers. The faggots who slaughtered what was their own people to join forces with... he couldn't quite find the word. Those things. Those... _hollows_. He was doing what they had done. He half expected himself to pull on an arrancar uniform and call himself one of those slimy fuckers.

"Renji."

"Oh, God, taichou. I'm jus' like them. I defected. Oh God... oh Gooood..." Renji threaded his fingers through his crimson hair and tugged hard enough to hurt. "What the hell have I done? I've betrayed ever'one! I've done the same thing-"

Byakuya silenced him with his lips. Renji's mind kept reeling although no words left his mouth. He was still in horror. He was still mortified. He was oblivious to the movements against his lips.

When Byakuya pulled away, hoping to have calmed his comrade, Renji's eyes were tearing up. "I'd be better off dead!"

Byakuya pulled away as if burned. "Do you really think that?"

"There's no fuckin' point! Oh, God... I'm just fuckin' like _them_! _Don't you get it?_ And, fuck, you went 'n kissed me...! What the hell is the matter with you? That's like kissing _them_!"

"Well, Renji, I do not think-"

"Oh, God! Why did you stop me! Why did you let me become this... this thing! I don't want to be like this! I don't want to be what I was supposed to be fighting against!"

Byakuya grabbed his face and pulled him close. "Will you just listen to me a moment, Renji?"

Head spinning. Just like them. He'd be better off dead. _Just like them!_

"Are you going to run off and join Aizen?"

_"Fuck no!" _

Byakuya flinched at the language. Really, he should have been used to it by now.

"Then what are you frightened of?"

Renji begged his tongue to come up with an answer. Begged his mind to figure things out. But the words just kept repeating themselves in his head.

Just like them. And now he'd dragged Byakuya down with him. Dammit.

"You're in this too, now, aren't 'cha?" Renji whispered. Byakuya's eyes cooled for a moment.

"I am open for change. Duty or not."

A silence.

"You need to get your mind off it for a moment, Renji. It would be good for you to clear your head."

Another silence. In his mind he was screaming, deafening all his thoughts. In his mind he was pounding his face against a wall, bashing the visions of him in an arrancar uniform out of his skull. Dammit.

He looked up at his taichou. And then to his feet. And then at his taichou again.

"I'm so sorry." Was all he said, words coming out jumbled and hurried.

"I am the one who failed you, Renji." Byakuya replied. "I saw... I saw you breaking. I did not do a thing. I just let it happen."

Renji barely understood what he was saying. His mind wouldn't slow down. His head wouldn't stop hurting. And that sun was suddenly too bright in the sky. It made him visible. It made this... _defector_ visible. And he really wished no one could see him ever again. He really wished...

Before he realized what was happening, Renji found himself on his back with his legs spread and Byakuya in between them.

"I will help you forget, Renji. I will help you calm down." Byakuya whispered in his ear.

And the world seemed to stop.

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**A/N:**

Hmm. Better than I expected.

Reviews, people! I may just do a one-shot for you!


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:**

Hello, everyone! Welcome to the third chapter of 'I Hate Being Yours'! Um, actually, I'm thinking of re-naming the story. Any ideas? Or should I leave it as it is?

But anyway, this is where it begins getting good. So, please enjoy it! I would love some reviews! But, this time can I get some constructive criticism as well guys? I'm glad you like my story, but I need to know exactly what you like and want to see more of as well as what you hate and want to see thrown into the pile of crap I fail to edit. I greatly appreciate it. And the one with the best review gets a one-shot! After I tell you the guidelines, of course... but you have to win to know the rules. lol

Word of warning, Renji gets a bit psycho later in this chapter. If you do need anything explained, please don't feel the slightest bit hesitant to ask in the middle of a wonderful review.

Here we go, guys. Chapter three.

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"I wish you couldn't figure me out  
But you always wanna know what I was about  
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset  
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met"

Kate Nash, "The Nicest Thing"

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The sky was growing a darker blue as time went on. The wispy clouds had multiplied and turned a slight gray color. Even the air held a sudden chill.

Not that they noticed.

Renji's body was still. His _mind_ was still. It was like time had stopped for the world around the two.

As Byakuya's lips pushed more demandingly against his own, it _finally_ registered in Renji's mind to kiss back. He moved his own lips slowly, rutting his bottom lip roughly against Byakuya's. The older man released a soft moan (crisp and sex-starved and gorgeous to Renji's ears) before catching the lip in between his teeth, more like a gentle fondling of sharpness than anything, and the redhead swooned. Lips still attached, Byakuya pulled at his own obi and slid his kimono off his torso so that it could hang off his slim hips. Renji's hands reached for this new expanse of skin, rubbing and scraping with his nails insistently in desperation. Byakuya dug his teeth into Renji's lip more firmly, a silent order for Renji to keep his hands to himself, though the young man was loath to do so.

This all-over assault on his senses was eating at Renji. He wanted more, so much more!

Moist, pink lips parted to release insistent pants of desire as Byakuya nipped at his jugular. Renji's wet tongue laved the swollen flesh of his lips in pleasurable agony as Byakuya bit harder into his neck. When Byakuya's lips fell on the damp flesh of his cheeks and chin and collar and chest, oh _God,_ was he in heaven? With a sharp, loud gasp, Renji jerked underneath the stronger body above him as Byakuya's teeth scraped across his skin, only to pinch it again, _hard_.

Disjointed words escaped his mouth as his cock twitched in anticipation. Renji's legs wrapped tightly around Byakuya's waist and pulled the man closer, surprising Byakuya, and began rutting against him to create friction against his begging groin. Byakuya gasped silently in pleasant surprise. The corners of his mouth tugged up and he tried to suppress the smile, but failed.

"Renji," Byakuya whispered hotly into his ear, nipping the sensitive shell, "how badly do you want me?"

"Oh, Gooood... _Please_..." Renji begged, rubbing against Byakuya's belly harder. He moaned again, a noise ending high-pitched and wanting.

Byakuya smiled at the condition his fukutaichou was in. "Then you will have to work for it."

Renji gasped sharply. What did he mean? The pressure in his hakama was overwhelming every coherent thought that sprung up due to Byakuya's order. He couldn't comprehend. He wanted it _so badly._

"What do ya wan' me t'do?"

Byakuya released the flushed skin of the juncture between his neck and shoulder before disentangling himself from Renji's legs. He lifted his legs by the knee and rested more firmly in between them, pushing against him in all the right spots. Renji moaned loudly as his body shivered at the contact.

His trembling fingers found their way to Byakuya's hakama and he slipped them under the waistband slowly, much to Byakuya's sudden, obvious discomfort.

"Mmph, what are you doing?" Byakuya demanded against the youth's lips, his body stiffening noticeably, before raising his head to look at him.

Renji looked stunned, like a child caught with his hands in the cookie jar. His searching hands froze before sliding out quickly. "I-I was... I was jus'..." Renji began, flustered. What had he done wrong?

"You were just _what_?" Byakuya asked more firmly. Renji was at a loss.

"I-I... I jus' assumed... I'm sorry,"

"You had best be. Just what did you think you were going to do?"

"I-I... was gonna give you a hand job..." Renji began, still startled. Byakuya slid off him and Renji's mouth formed a momentary 'O'. "W-what, am I in trouble now?"

"Quiet. You are being punished for pre-assuming." Byakuya stated and sat up, hands twining together over his crossed legs. Renji was stunned. He sat up quickly, face twisting to illustrate his supreme irritation.

"W-What th'hell? So, you're not gonna talk t'me now?"

"Quiet, Renji, or it really will be all you will get for the night." Byakuya said and, to further illustrate that he meant business, he began to slide on his kimono.

"Wait, please... I-I'm sorry... C'mon," he whined, reaching for Byakuya's sleeve as if to tug it back off. With a firm push, Byakuya had Renji on his back and staring dejectedly at the blackening sky. Renji whined again, the noise much resembling a fussy two-year-old. "Yer _kiddin_'..."

"No, I am not." Byakuya re-assured him, eyebrows lifting to feign amusement. "I am even going against my values tonight for you by not courting you first. You should have some consideration. Now, you will lay there until you can think of exactly what I was about to ask you to do. Which was not going to be to '_give me a hand job_'."

His voice soured even more at the end as if in disgust. Renji stared at the sky in shock.

"_Really_, Renji, that is _not_ your job. This entire event was to please _you_. Why would you think-"

"What if pleasin' you woul' please me?" Renji asked, eyes shifting to glare at his (ex?) superior's unfortunately clothed back. Byakuya stiffened.

"Hn. Renji, I say this because I know you. That is not what you wanted."

There was an angry silence as Renji stared at him in disbelief. Oh, no, he did _not_. And with that, Renji did the only thing his suddenly primal, angry instincts could flush into his mind.

Renji pounced.

Byakuya gasped loudly as the full weight of the redhead pinned him harshly against the earth.

"Who the _fuck_ do ya think you are?!" Renji shouted, nearly nose-to-nose with the startled taichou. "Ya don't fuckin' '_know_' me! Ya don't fuckin' know _anybody_! You stay locked up in our fuckin' _office_ or in yer fuckin' _palace_ or in yer fuckin' _taichou's meetin's_ or... or... _other stuff_ ya stay fuckin' locked up in!"

And there it was. All out on the table. Byakuya had been expecting this since Renji had woken.

The redhead was practically seething in anger. His breath was coming in harsh puffs, his face had reddened... and his eyes... he was near tears. Was he that emotionally unstable? He had him pinned on the ground, hands like vice grips holding his wrists down, and legs as immobile as stone keeping his thighs spread painfully far apart.

"Ya got this fuckin' _broom handle_ shoved up yer ass and ya think yer better off 'n everybody else! You... are a fuckin' self-righteous _ass-hole_! Yer a _bitch_! That's _exactly_ what you fuckin' are! Yer-a-fuck-in'-_bitch_!!" He screamed to the aghast raven-headed noble.

Renji found himself flipped onto his back and spread-eagle underneath the furious form of his previous taichou.

"And who exactly do you think _you_ are?! You mope about your life, always playing the victim and never moving on! You think you could _possibly_ gain the rank of captain with that attitude? You think you could _possibly_ top me in battle, or status, or anything else, _ever?"_ Byakuya exclaimed.

Renji watched as every thread of demeanor Byakuya'd built over the years shredded into pieces before their eyes.

"Hell yeah, I can! I'm Renji-fuckin'-Abarai, _bitch_!" Renji spat back, a mocking smirk on his face to hide his self-doubt.

There was an eruption of thrashing of arms and legs as each enraged Shinigami fought for a conclusion of the war that had sprouted between the two years ago. Renji bit and scratched and ripped at skin and eyes and hair. Byakuya kicked and kneed and clawed and beat and hit at anything he could reach.

Blood was drawn. Sweat-slicked skin moved against each other roughly, painfully. There was no room for breath or limbs or intelligence as each man fought for salvation against the suffocating heat and the painful battering each was enduring. This had evolved from a battle between Shinigami to a battle between two common, struggling souls. They were men now. And they moved in blind mania.

Soon, the beatings turned to rubbing, and the spitting and cursing turned to grunts and moans. Hate and loathing, it became something else entirely.

Renji was the one to make the final move. He shouted his indignation to the heavens and ground his hips into those of the man currently overpowering him. He ripped his wrists from Byakuya's grasp and buried them in the dark hair that fell onto his face and tickled his skin. He brought him down for a searing kiss.

They were surrounded by a sudden roar of cool wind and a clap of thunder pounded their ears. At the sound, Renji jerked in fear. The lightning had to of struck the ground not far from where they were now.

Byakuya growled in admonition as he pushed Renji deeper into the ground, biting the tongue that invaded his mouth. His hips bucked aggressively into Renji's as the redhead cried out in pain. The teeth that had previously brought Renji such ecstatic pleasure now made surges of pain spike to his brain and shoot through his nerves. Renji thrashed until he'd again switched places with the furious taichou above him, successfully holding him in place as he shoved his hand under the waistband of his hakama.

"What now, huh? Ya feel that?" Renji shouted, hand finding his member and sliding down to the head, rubbing a harsh finger against the slit. Byakuya yelped; Renji was _hurting_ him. "What now, bitch?!"

"Fukutaichou," he gasped, the word coming out on instinct. He had meant to say his name, but he was just so used to the title that it sprang naturally from his lips as it always had during an argument.

The fist gripping his hardening length left to smack painfully across his face.

"Fucker!" Renji winced as the back of his hand stung, but in truth, it was the farthest thing from his mind. "Say it again, I _dare_ you!"

"Renji!" Byakuya exclaimed, feeling the muscles in his neck re-aligning themselves to recover from the sudden blow.

As if on cue, the tears began without Renji even realizing it.

"I hate this! I hate you! I hate th'Seireitei! I just want... I need...!" Renji sobbed, limbs trembling as he held his taichou down. Sweat and burning saline water dripped down his tanned skin and onto the shocked man beneath him.

"Renji," Byakuya soothed, a warm hand easily escaping the hold Renji had slackened and reaching up to wipe the redhead's eyes. Renji collapsed on him, his fingers digging into his shihakushou and face burying in his chest.

"I hate it all so much..." he whimpered, voice cracking. Byakuya wrapped his arms around the sobbing redhead.

Minutes passed slowly as Byakuya's mind spun in confusion. The past three days had thrown him into walls of inconsistent emotions. Nothing was and would be the same between them. Renji was so unstable that Byakuya was nearing fear. His fukutaichou had snapped, and a Shinigami that had done so was capable of nearly anything.

By the time Renji's tears had stopped, nightfall was approaching fast and cool rain was soaking the torn clothes that clung to both silent Shinigami.

"I don't want it anymore," left the redhead's mouth, followed by a splattering of water as his fist dug into the mud puddle beside them. Clenched tightly between his blanching fingers was the fukutaichou's badge that bore the symbol of their squad. He hesitated before jerking his hand away as if the badge would become soldered to his skin if he wasn't quick enough.

Ocher and midnight eyes watched the badge that stared dejectedly back at them.

"It's... It's not worth any of this." Renji said softly.

Byakuya's heart wrenched as he heard those words. He'd never known Renji to just give up. But now that the badge, bearing the insignia of his division, had been driven into the mud, it seemed as though now he could appreciate the finality in the redhead's words.

It was over.

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**A/N:**

Byakuya doesn't live in a palace, Renji. But anyway, that concludes chapter three.

I think by now you know what that purple button at the bottom left corner of your screen is for. Please click it and give me a review, guys. I need the support.

And like I said before, please check out my beta's work, too! She's just as deserving as I am! Let's hear it for 7PhoenixAshes! **xD** I love feeling like a dork.

And I hafta tell you all this. When I was logging in just now so I could post this chapter, the words I had to type in to prove I was human were "Gayly Improper". For one thing, according to my computer 'gayly' is not a word. For two... that's just a contradiction if I've ever heard one. For three, that's just freaking hilarious!! I thought it was, at least.

R/R!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:**

I love teasing you readers. Don't worry, sex will come, but I hope it will be read as a meaningful coupling. And, it may not be in this... story. Spoiler!

We're coming close to the end, guys.

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"Basically, I wish that you loved me  
I wish that you needed me  
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars  
Actually, I meant three"

Kate Nash, "The Nicest Thing"

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Numb.

His body was so still, and it wasn't completely by his own volition. A lot of times, he wanted to move, to thread his cold fingers through the sopping hair of his taichou as the man stared dully at the sky, marching through his own feelings and decisions. That's right, he was in this now, too. It wasn't just Renji.

How could he be so selfish? He'd defected. He'd betrayed. He'd fled from everything and everyone. He was just like _them_. The thoughts sent a shiver through his bones, but from what, he couldn't quite place. So many feelings had raided his body in the last... God, he didn't even know how long this event had gone on for? How pathetic was that?

Renji shifted his face further into the mussed robes and breathed in the comforting scent.

Byakuya smelled like their office always did. It was a strange smell, heady and intoxicating from a close scope, but from afar it was light and barely noticeable. It still was usually enough to change your mood without you even knowing it. Enough to get you through miles of paperwork without asking for a bathroom break every five minutes just so you could get away from your desk. Enough to sooth you into not throwing a boisterous fit every time taichou accused you of having an affair with the toilet that for some reason never let you get your share of the work finished.

So why was it not working now? Didn't they always say that scent is tied to memory, and that it could implicate the same emotions and feelings of that time? Was he to assume he was too far gone?

He really felt as if it were true. He felt nonexistent, or more accurately so, he wanted to be... deceased. He wanted to just lie here in the mud and in the rain and let his superior go back home and say that he never found him. That Renji must have been dead to the world, because he hadn't found a trace of him in the living world. And then they could all be done with it.

Byakuya sighed heavily as he shifted his weight underneath Renji so that he could be more comfortable.

"You are a bit heavy, Renji." He muttered before continuing his ear-eating silence. To Renji the quiet was more unnerving than if Byakuya was bashing him with the twenty foot words he used to use (until Renji had complained that not everyone had a mind as big as a fucking tow truck). He'd rather them be arguing than sitting here getting soaked while contemplating the future.

The future had always been a scary thing to him. All he did was want, want, want, and work, work, work. But in the end, his dreams never added up to what he had, no matter the effort he put into getting where he was now. It was like the world really was out to get him. Like it had some type of affliction with him for existing.

The pattering of the rain did nothing to quiet his raging feelings. He couldn't stand the darkened sky, the occasional clap of thunder. And he most certainly couldn't stand the tense, brooding man beneath him. Couldn't they just go back to sex? He wasn't feeling bad when they were doing that. He wanted that.

As if sensing the redhead's sudden thoughts of lust, Byakuya sat up and fixed Renji into his lap. He pressed a soft, gentle kiss to the redhead's forehead.

"I will stay with you." He said quietly, and at first Renji thought he'd heard him wrong over the rain. He blinked. Byakuya took in a breath to say more, but hesitated.

"I have my reasons. One day I will share them with you, Renji, but at the moment you do not need anything extra to worry about." Byakuya continued. Renji's jaw slackened and he fell forward into Byakuya's chest.

He nuzzled he man's chest in thought. Where would they go? What would they do?

"I... I will handle all the details, Renji. I have sources that are rather fond of me. All I need from you is compliance and... and for you to be with me. I am doing this for you."

"Why?" Renji whispered, cool tone overriding the currents of emotion rattling around inside his belly and brain.

"I have my reasons." He said again.

The rain continued. The pattering seemed to grow louder in Renji's ears as the world around them seemed blanketed by sheets of darkening gray. Renji raised himself from the man's chest. He was doing so much for him. And for what? For some broken piece of Rukongai scum that was so far from Byakuya's level it was laughable? For some boy who couldn't even summon the willpower to want to stay alive?

At that moment he hated himself more than he hated anyone else. He was disgusted with himself. He didn't deserve this man's kindness, but for some reason, Byakuya was still here with him. He was still fighting to keep Renji safe, sane, alive, happy.

Happy? What a foreign, stupid emotion. There was no happiness in this world, just broken justice that benefited some and scathed others.

He looked at Byakuya then, fully prepared to ride the bullet into whatever future they could salvage with the remnants of their pasts. Byakuya had been with him for centuries. And for some reason, Renji had hated him for it. For all the extra hours he lost sleep over while doing Renji's leftover shares of paperwork that never seemed to get done. For all the times Byakuya had cleaned up after him, whether it was the ruins of a verbal battle with another Shinigami or the blood and dirt stains he'd occasionally track into their office. If Byakuya didn't fix things himself, he was always in the background, delegating to other people how to undo the damage the redhead caused. He was always there, and Renji had never cared to see it.

Hate was the farthest thing from what he felt now for the stoic leader.

"I... I lov-"

"Do not say that. Do not say that until you are positive." Byakuya urged.

There was a silence as the rain melted the earth around them, sinking them further into its filthy embrace. Renji set his jaw and leaned forward again, resting his throbbing head against warm chest that presented itself to him.

"I think I'm ready now... for you to help me forget." He said softly, kneading a clenched fist into the torn kimono framing the powerful figure. Byakuya raised his arms to wrap around the boy in his lap, sliding his face into his neck to kiss the site of Renji's pulse.

It was finally time to come to terms with the foolish things they'd put themselves through.

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**A/N:**

...

Well, what do you think?

R/R.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N:

The final chapter.

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"I wish I was your favourite girl  
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world  
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile  
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

All I know  
Is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen  
I wish that we could see  
If we could be something"

Kate Nash, "The Nicest Thing"

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It was dark. It was raining. It was late.

And still he was upset.

Caught up in a wide-range of emotions, sensations, wishes and demands, Renji trembled as Byakuya pressed insistent kisses on his face.

As delicate and tender as only a noble knew how.

Caught up in his head, his thoughts, hearing pants and whispers that he knew belonged only to himself and his trembling voice, as his taichou was busying his mouth with wind-pricked skin.

The tears traced his cheeks, and he knew them as such only because the rain was a much cooler feeling, and it didn't quite hurt as much to feel it against his skin. It didn't quite leave traces of regret when they were wiped off with filth-covered fingers. Rain didn't leave a hot worry in the pit of someone's belly, and it for sure never made them push their infatuation away from their sob-wracked body.

Byakuya looked surprised. Why? Because Renji was sobbing quietly, or was it because he was reaching for Zabimaru? Or maybe it was because Renji was making a clumsy descent down the hill.

Byakuya looked shocked, and his eyes were wide as Renji looked back to him. He felt his lips tremble into words, but even he didn't know what it was he said.

And his gut lurched, and his limbs trembled, and his teeth bit into his lips.

"Go back home, Byakuya!" He screamed, sobbing, his words cutting himself more than his commander. "Go back to the Seireitei!"

"Renji!" Byakuya exclaimed, standing.

"You b'long there..." Renji cried, voice failing him.

As his stumbling legs pushed him further towards the forest, he could hear the pain in the man's voice:

"I belong with you!" Byakuya shouted.

Renji's legs slowed, and the rain seemed to reach a new high around them. His sobs shook his body menacingly, threatening to drive him to the ground. To his knees. Renji bit back a response.

"I've always belonged with you." Quieter now.

Enough to make the redhead stop his trek. Renji set his jaw, quivering as his lips were.

"You b'long in an office, Byakuya. You b'long in a big house, with a fine, strong _woman_ at yer side. You b'long... you _deserve_ to keep ever'thing you've killed yerself over havin'. You deserve _everything_ that's back there, waitin' for you."

Renji turned slightly, not facing the dark-haired man, who by now was desperate and frightened.

"So, yer wrong... about... us. We don'... we _never_ belonged together. I ain't fair t'you. It was never... fate." Renji said, throat clenching tight, lungs working hard to keep him breathing. "_Yer wrong._"

Byakuya stared at him, mouth agape at the words reaching his ears. Renji looked back at him, ocher eyes meeting wet navy ones. Renji's eyes followed the single tear the slipped down the man's face, before it was wiped clean by the harsh wind.

"Go home, Byakuya Kuchiki." Renji said with finality, tears remaining, but body still. He nodded to the badge, still soggy and dejected in the mud beside the noble. "'N take that with you."

And Renji turned.

"Fukutaichou!" Byakuya shouted, voice shaking with feigned authority.

But Renji was gone.

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**A/N:**

And that's the end of it.

I can assure you there will be a sequel, but I make no guarantees on any happy endings; this is based on life, and life's not like that. Life's not a fairy tale.

It's only possibility you can rely on.

R/R.


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